


Galactic Roomba-like Holy Sword of Roombas Wars

by einsKai



Series: When Kai Gets Their Hands On A Plot Generator... [1]
Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Absurd humor, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dragons, Happy Birthday Ayumu, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, IN SPACE!, M/M, Minor Character Death, Roombas, Science Fiction, kind of in a movie form?, oh also Tsukumo dies but who cares, okay I did it after all because I'm paranoid, so I'm not tagging character death, the romance really isn't important here but I still included it because YamaRyuu is p e r f e c t
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-03 22:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15828180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/einsKai/pseuds/einsKai
Summary: A long, long time ago in a roomba-like, roomba-like galaxy…





	Galactic Roomba-like Holy Sword of Roombas Wars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [396Ayumu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/396Ayumu/gifts).



> Yeah, so this is the first of a few works that I created after using a [plot generator](https://www.plot-generator.org.uk/). It was a lot of fun using it and the stories it created are pretty awesome, even though they're mostly silly and random.
> 
> Here is the plot that was generated for me and that I actually wrote (For Ayumu's birthday btw, Happy Birthday Ayumu! Keep up the awesome work best roombauthor in the world!!)
> 
> A long, long time ago in a roomba-like, roomba-like galaxy…  
> After leaving the meek planet Roombater, a group of roombas fly towards a distant speck. The speck gradually resolves into an onii-san-like, space Roomba-scraper.  
> Civil War strikes the galaxy, which is ruled by Tsukumo Ryou, a carefree roomba capable of vandalism and even human trafficking.  
> Terrified, a lazy space-onii-san known as Tsunashi Ryuunosuke flees the empire, with his protector, Nikaido Yamato.  
> They head for Roombatown on the planet Dragonto. When they finally arrive, a fight breaks out. Yamato uses his Roomba-like holy sword of roombas to defend Ryuunosuke.  
> Yamato and the space-onii-san Ryuunosuke decide it’s time to leave Dragonto and steal a roomba-scooter to shoot their way out.  
> They encounter a tribe of Space Dragons. Nikaido is attacked and the space-onii-san is captured by the Space Dragons and taken back to Roombatown.  
> Nikaido must fight to save space-onii-san Ryuunosuke but when he accidentally unearths a fluffy Roomba, the entire future of the Roomba-like, meek galaxy is at stake.
> 
> Well... Have fun reading!

_The movie begins with green font rolling over the screen, like in Star Wars, but backwards so it’s not stealing._

“A long, long time ago in a roomba-like, roomba-like galaxy…”

The meek planet Roombater, nothing but a tiny little place in the vastness of this roomba-like, roomba-like galaxy – but still a place where life is flourishing. Especially the life of the ruling species.

From the planet’s surface a group of roombas emerge. They leave the planet, secretly, perhaps, and fly towards a distant speck. As they get closer to the speck it slowly takes shape and is revealed to be nothing but an onii-san-like space roomba-scraper.

The roombas scrape themselves on the space roomba-scraper, marvelling at how onii-san-like it is. They really enjoy the scraping, but quickly continue their journey when imperial patrols nearly spot them.

Since the evil roomba Tsukumo Ryou has taken over the galaxy as its new, carefree emperor, no ordinary roomba is safe anymore. The emperor is ruthless, all of his own crimes easily excused by himself – horrible crimes. Tsukumo Ryou is capable of vandalism, and even human trafficking!

A roomba-shaped spaceship mixes with the ordinary roombas, usually docile creatures, if not called Tsukumo Ryou, or working for said Tsukumo Ryou.

Inside the ship, that luckily had succeeded in fleeing from the space roomba-scraper, two people are sitting.

“Ah, I’m glad I came up with that plan. Disguising us as a roomba really works well now, that a roomba is the emperor…”, the one who is flying the ship says. He is a space-onii-san, one born of a lower class, as indicated by the colour of his clothing. Despite the colour, different shades of green, his clothes are of very good quality, it’s a nicely tailored uniform and a splendid sword hangs from his belt.

“You always have the best ideas”, the other space-onii-san who sits behind the other says. He is of royal descent, at least a prince of the space-onii-sans. Well, that’s what his own clothes tell the audience about him. They are less practical than the other man’s and of a beautiful dark navy.

“That’s my job after all”, the pilot says, “Nikaido Yamato, protector of Lazy Prince Tsunashi Ryuunosuke-san~”

“Oh come on”, the other laughs and puts his hand on his protector’s shoulder, “We both know that that’s not what our relationship is. We’re alone here, Yamato-kun.”

“No distracting the driver”, Yamato says, but despite his own words he turns his head to press his lips against the knuckles of the hand on his shoulders, “Habit, Ryuu, sorry. Should we think of a corny nickname for you we can use until you don’t have to hide anymore? I could call you “apple of my eye”, or “dearest to my heart” from now on~”

Ryuu lets go as if he has been burned and hides his face in his hands. “If you do that I’m going to die from embarrassment.”

“You’re lucky”, Yamato laughs, “The planet Dragonto and our destination, Roombatown have just appeared on the radar, so I won’t have time to decide on a nickname. Too bad.”

Dragonto is a neutral planet, but also one that is widely undiscovered, since it is mostly covered in a giant, orange jungle.  
The city of Roombatown they are approaching right now is lawless and dangerous, but it is the right place for someone to hide if they want to hide.

Yamato undoes the roomba disguise of his ship, and it turns out to be nothing but an ordinary space-traveller, nothing out of the ordinary. He takes the ship to one of the many parking spaces near the outskirts of town – they don’t intend to ever return to the ship, so they will just leave it there, until it will be towed away eventually. Ryuu is a prince after all, they have enough funds to buy a new ship if they need one. Also Yamato is a brilliant thief… And when everything goes wrong they can always find some nine year old kid to win a podrace with the power of the force to give them a new ship. It’s just that simple.

When they get off the ship, Yamato still in his usual clothes and Ryuu in a new disguise now, wearing light colours, the colours of a newly-wed person on their home-planet, guards stop them.

“Stop right there!”, one of the angry looking roombas says. It is obvious that he is a follower of the evil Tsukumo Ryou, the worst roomba of all, “What are you doing here on Dragonto? Why do you want to stay here?”

“You see”, Yamato answers calmly. He has these lines memorised, he is a natural actor after all, “My lovely spouse here”, he points at Ryuu, who blushes at being called Yamato’s spouse. They aren’t married, or even engaged, but for the disguise it will have to do, “And I are on our honeymoon~”

“A honeymoon? On Dragonto? In Roombatown? Even though you two are clearly space-onii-sans?”

“You’re correct”, Yamato says, “We have always been a great fan of Dragonto and the roombas, so this is the perfect opportunity to finally learn something about you without having to intrude your own spaces.”

The roomba seems to blush from the flattery, at least he turns away slightly, “Well, I guess –“

He is interrupted by one of his subordinate’s nervous beeping from behind them: “They have a roomba disguise for their ship! Enemies! Enemies!”

After just a few seconds the two are surrounded by roombas, eyes blinking with angry red and all of them chanting the same phrase: “Enemies! Enemies! Enemies! Enemies! Enemies!”

“Shit”, Yamato mumbles under his breath, “I didn’t think we’d be caught this soon… And by fascist roombas who follow Tsukumo too… I guess I don’t have a choice then.”

His hand wanders to the sword on his belt and he turns around to Ryuu: “Go hide somewhere close, I can’t risk you getting hurt.”

Ryuu follows his command, as always. He knows that when Yamato becomes serious like this he can’t argue with him.

Just when Ryuu is far enough from Yamato, he pulls the sword out of its sheath.

A blindingly bright light fills the room, and a few of the roombas immediately start to retreat when they realise what this is.

In Yamato’s hand he holds the roomba-like Holy Sword of Roombas. It is beautiful and horrifying at the same time – this is the sword that is mentioned in the old prophecy about the demise of the roomba emperor – whom nobody expected to be Tsukumo Ryou until a few months ago, when he had taken over the galaxy with his horrible crimes of vandalism and human trafficking. But since he did rumours about the prophecy and the sword have begun to be whispered in the streets again… Everyone hoped for their saviour to come, and to come soon.

This mighty item, long lost in the depths of the universe, now in the hands of a common space-onii-san… It enrages the roombas, and even those who had thought about running away first, return.

“I really don’t want to do this”, Yamato says, “But you leave me no choice.”

With a single swing of the sword the roombas crumble apart, as if they had never existed. Erased from existence as they are, Yamato feels the heavy weight of guilt on his chest. Falling to his knees, the sword clatters when it falls to the stone next to him. He feels tears welling up in his eyes, but tries to supress them.

A hand lands on his shoulder, squeezes it reassuringly. Yamato knows it’s Ryuu, he knows because he heard his steps and he knew where Ryuu hid, he always was aware of what Ryuu was doing anyway, it was his job as his protector.

“You didn’t have a choice”, Ryuu says, “They are in a better place now.”

Of course his boyfriend knows about the fondness Yamato feels for roombas. No wonder – Yamato hadn’t actually been born as a lower class space-onii-san, no. He just doesn’t remember his parents, because he was raised by an old couple of roombas who found him in the forest of their home-planet. Yamato had thought he himself was a roomba for a long time, until they told him to go to the city of space-onii-sans, where he found people who looked exactly like him, and met Ryuu, who introduced him to that new world. He soon learned that the only item he had received from his biological parents was the roomba-like Holy Sword of Roombas and that he apparently was the one who would kill the roomba emperor.  
When Yamato returned to his real parent’s home, they had both disappeared. To this day Yamato still doesn’t know what happened to them.

“I’m alright”, Yamato presses, caught up in visions from the past, “Let’s hurry. I bet they alerted someone already. We can’t stay here, not in Roombatown.”

Grabbing the other space-onii-san’s hand he pulls him along to a parked roomba-scooter. With a flick of his wrist Yamato manages to start the engine, and gestures for Ryuu to get onto the scooter behind him.

“Your majesty will have to handle the blaster cannon. It’s on the right side”, he says, while they drive through the aisles of the garage that are clearly not meant to be driven through, especially not with a roomba-scooter. The carpet behind them rips, leaving a trail of destruction behind them. The poor cleaning staff.

At the exit to the building there are some guards, no roombas this time though.

“Ryuu, now!”, Yamato calls and without hesitation the space-onii-san behind him shoots at the guards. Luckily for them they evade the shots instead of taking them (and dying, this story is rated T after all) so Yamato and Ryuu are finally able to get out of the building.

Quickly they leave the buildings and streets of Roombatown behind them. They don’t encounter any other inconveniences, but Yamato is still not sure they are safe. The orange jungle around them and the unpaved road, almost not worthy to be called a road at all, don’t let him rest.

Ryuu seems fine though, he’s laughing to himself slightly, his blaster cannon abandoned at his side. His arms are slung around Yamato’s waist for support – a roomba-scooter doesn’t have seatbelts after all – and Yamato feels a slight sense of freedom at the feeling of his boyfriend leaning into him like that. He’s still wearing the clothes he had put on as a disguise too, still looking like a newlywed.  
This could really be their honeymoon, at least if this roomba-like galaxy wasn’t in dire need of saving.

Yamato’s train of thought gets interrupted by a screech. A giant, dark shadow casts the road in darkness.

“Space Dragons!”, Ryuu calls out suddenly and when Yamato looks up to the sky he can see them flying around. The dreaded inhabitants of Dragonto – Space Dragons! A giant group, probably all of one tribe, is flying over their heads… And they don’t look like they are friendly towards them.

“Hold on tightly”, Yamato says and speeds the roomba-scooter up. He can’t afford to get caught or hurt, he just has to flee-

One of the dragons comes dangerously close and tries to grab Ryuu, but Yamato manages to evade it with his scooter – only to feel his body impacting with a tree and to see Ryuu being taken away by the dragons. Through hazy eyes he watches his boyfriend struggle against the horrible dragon claws – the light clothes slowly turning red and him stopping struggling altogether. The last thing he sees before losing consciousness is the panicked expression on Ryuu’s eyes.

 

When Yamato wakes he doesn’t know how much time has passed, but because I’m the author I know. He was knocked out for exactly 8422 seconds, or 140.3667 minutes, or 2.339444 hours, or 0.09747685 days, or 0.01392526 weeks, or 0.003204715 months or 0.0002670599 years, or – okay, I’ll stop. (Or 0.000026706 decades.) He’s still curled up against the tree he hit when the dragon disturbed his driving by taking Ryuu away, and he feels pretty horrible bruises that have formed on his back.

Something nudges his foot and he startles, his head hurting even more than it had before when he moves suddenly, to get away from whatever is touching him.

There is something buried in the ground, right next to him. In his fall he probably accidentally unearthed it partly, so now the something is only halfway buried in the forest’s ground.

Yamato can’t really see what it is, but it’s very alive and fluffy. It doesn’t seem dangerous, so he kneels down next to it and helps it get out of the ground.

It turns out to be a roomba. A fluffy roomba, which isn’t unusual – roombas do come in all kind of ways after all; there’s a lot of variety. Still, Yamato has never seen a roomba as fluffy as this one.

“Hello”, he greets the creature. It is a young specimen, and Yamato questions why a young roomba like this is buried in the orange forest of Dragonto like this, all alone. The reasons that come to mind are heart-breaking and remind him of his own fate.

The roomba beeps happily, coming close to nuzzle his legs.

Luckily Yamato learned everything about the language of roombas when he lived with his parents.

“You’re welcome”, he says, “What were you doing out here? Do you have a name? A home where I can bring you back to?”

The roomba beeps again, and Yamato feels an empathetic sadness settle in his lower stomach again.

“I see… so you don’t remember how you got here… and you don’t have a name or home either…”

He thinks for a moment, until smiling at the roomba. “Well, I’ll just have to name you then, and take you with me. That was you have a home and a name. How does that sound?”

Excited beeping is the answer he gets. It warms his heart and he begins to think.

“What should I name you then? How about… Ichi?”

A beep that doesn’t sound happy is the answer, so Yamato tries other names.

“Mitsu?” Unhappy beep. “Tama?” Unhappy beep. “Sou?” Unhappy beep. “Nagi?” Unhappy beep. “Riku?” Unhappy beep.

“None of those… well, how about… Musashi then?”

An excited beeping indicates that the roomba – Musashi – is happy with that name.

“Great”, Yamato says, “You see, Musashi, I lost someone who’s very important to me, so we need to go find him.”

Gathering his things – the dragons haven’t taken anything but Ryuu, luckily, which is actually not very lucky at all, but one has to see positive things in life, they only took the _most important_ thing, not the second most important and the third most important things too – he begins walking towards the skyline of Roombatown. They hadn’t really come far on their escape, so Yamato doesn’t have a long way to travel.

While he is walking he works on a plan, because he has an idea where they took Ryuu.

Some space dragon tribes work for Tsukumo Ryou and Roombatown is his main base of operation. That was the reason why Ryuu and Yamato had decided to hide in Roombatown in the first place. Nobody would look for the prince of the enemies in close proximity to the emperor… at least they had thought so. That had turned out to be a mistake, Yamato saw it now.

(Wait, if Ryuu is a prince, in space, does he also wear no underwear, like princess Leia?)

At least he knows where Tsukumo Ryou is – and by extension, Ryuu. Probably.

When they arrive at the outskirts of the city Yamato turns to Musashi.

“Okay Musashi, this is the plan. You will act as a bounty hunter who caught me, the protector of Lazy Prince Tsunashi Ryuunosuke, and brings him into the same area where they keep Ryuu. I’ll hide my sword somewhere on my body and when we arrive we’ll free Ryuu and flee. Does that sound like a plan?”

Musashi beeps. He seemed to be happy to get to dress up, even though he expressed concern about the safety of this plan. Yamato quickly reassures the roomba, and they start with tying Yamato’s hands behind his back. Conveniently he has some rope in his supplies – you never know when you might need rope. He then gives the other end of the rope to Musashi, who then brings him to the front of the biggest building in Roombatown.

This is the place where Yamato thinks Ryuu is, and where he knew Tsukumo Ryou, the man whom he was supposed to kill with his roomba-like Holy Sword of Roombas, to be.

 

After Musashi declares that he, Musashi the bounty hunter – Yamato’s heart flutters at how happy the roomba is to say his new name – has captured the protector of Lazy Prince Tsunashi Ryuunosuke and wants to bring him to the cell of the prince so they can be interrogated together, the roomba guards in front of the building don’t question it for a single second, immediately bringing them to the head guard of the prison, who is a space dragon.

Yes, Tsukumo Ryou has an own prison, where he would actually belong… vandalism and human trafficking are no joke.

The dragon grumbles as he looks at Yamato.

“Yes, that’s the protector… I guess we can just put him in the same cell as the prince.”

Yamato quietly sighs in relief. He is lucky that a space dragon is the head guard – they aren’t known for their intelligence.

“Or that is what you thought I would say!”, the dragon screams suddenly and laughs, as if he is in some way better than Yamato. What an asshole, “I bet you thought something like “I’m lucky that a space dragon is the head guard – they aren’t known for their intelligence”, but I’ll have you know, I graduated top of my class at the space dragon college and I have one of the highest IQs of all dragons ever measured! Of course I will put you in the most southern cell, as far away from the prince in the northern cell as possible!”

Yamato rolls his eyes. “You know”, he says, while Musashi undoes his ties behind his back, “People who brag about how smart they are and whatever their IQ is usually don’t seem very smart to me… especially if they’re telling me their plans at the same time.”

With a smooth motion he pulls his sword out of its hiding place – it is already unsheathed, so the blinding light that was there earlier can’t be seen this time – and cuts the dragon open. Its orange blood (why is everything on this planet orange? I don’t know, maybe Mitsuki’s soul possessed planet Dragonto) makes the floor slippery, so Yamato picks Musashi up – he doesn’t want the young roomba to stumble and fall, or his fluffy fur to get dirty.

Running he reaches the northern part of the prison and finds Ryuu’s cell quickly (and only after killing a few more guards… but I want this story to be suitable for children too, so I can make it a blockbuster for the whole family and earn billions of money™ with it… wait I shouldn’t have made the main characters a gay couple then… ah, who gives a shit, fuck mass media). Inside is Ryuu, alone, injured, and looking sad, until he spots his lover outside of his cell.

“Yamato! You came to save me!”, he says like a princess that is being saved. Luckily he’s not in another castle, Yamato thinks and immediately hates the autho for that joke. They aren't even in a castle to begin with! The author tells Yamato to shut up and continue with the story.

“That I did. And now get out of there. You and Musashi can go already and find a spaceship to pick me up with later… I still have something I need to do.”

A squeeze of hands before Ryuu cradles Musashi in his arms – Yamato loves him even more than he already did when he doesn’t even question why Yamato has picked up a fluffy roomba called Musashi who barely speaks the common language – and begins running towards the exit, towards safety.

Yamato makes his way to the main chamber of the building, where he knows Tsukumo Ryou is doing whatever the emperor of the roomba-like, roomba-like galaxy does.

When he steps into a completely dark room he is startled by the lights suddenly turning on. A very high chair stands in the middle of the far end of the room, backwards so that Yamato can’t see who is sitting in it. He knows who sits there without seeing it though, because this is a story and rooms like these have big boss-fight energy.

“Oh come on”, Yamato calls, “Are you going to go all movie villain on me and turn around your chair while you sit there, cross-legged and eating an apple/having fingertip against fingertip/stroking a cat and grinning diabolically?”

The chair doesn’t budge.

“I’m a roomba in this universe, how do you expect me to do any of that?”, Tsukumo answers dryly.

“Roombas can do anything!”, Yamato exclaims passionately, when it comes to roombas Yamato loses his sense of humor, “I love roombas, so I don’t want to kill any more of them! You are the last roomba I will ever kill, so turn around and face me like a… roomba.”

“Very well”, finally the chair turns, and Yamato can see him. In his whole carefree glory roomba emperor Tsukumo Ryou is sitting there on the throne.

Yamato swallows, hesitating for a second. He may be the evil emperor of the galaxy who is guilty of vandalism and human trafficking, but he is still a roomba.

The grip on his sword tightens.

“Hah!”, Tsukumo taunts, “Even with the roomba-like Holy Sword of Roombas you won’t be able to hurt me! Nobody born from a woman will ever harm Tsukumo Ryou; someone very wise said that to me.”

“Did you just quote Shakespeare on me?”, Yamato deadpans, “Why is the author like this?”

“Because they have slept four hours today and are procrastinating from doing anything else by writing this fic. And they like Shakespeare. Now hurry up, I don’t want this to last long, being a roomba is pretty bad for the business”, the emperor answers.

Yamato sighs. Sometimes he hates the author. He walks towards the emperor, his sword high above his head. Soon he has arrived at the chair the roomba is sitting in, confident that he can’t kill him.

“Well emperor”, Yamato says, “I don’t remember being born from a woman, because I have never met my parents. Maybe I’m just a magical entity sent into this galaxy because I have to defeat you?”

With that he strikes Tsukumo Ryou, the evil roomba emperor with the famous roomba-like Holy Sword of Roombas.

Like his existence has been erased he crumbles apart, until nothing is left of him. Why that didn’t work with the space dragon earlier and that scene instead became bloody? Well, for that he would have had to use the space dragon-like Holy Sword of Space Dragons, silly.

“Seems like I really wasn’t born from a woman”, Yamato says and turns away. Walking to the exit, where a spaceship with Ryuu and Musashi is waiting for him, he makes a mental note to find a volcano or something like that, to dispose of the roomba-like Holy Sword of Roombas. He thinks he’s seen something like that in a movie once.

“Is it over?”, Ryuu asks, his voice hopeful.

“Yes”, Yamato says and smiles, “We can finally go home.”

_The credit roll starts, with amazing music loudly playing._

**GALACTIC ROOMBA-LIKE HOLY SWORD OF ROOMBAS WARS  
A Science Fiction Plot by Kai**

**Cast**

**Nikaido Yamato as Protector of Lazy Prince Tsunashi Ryuunosuke, Yamato**  
Tsunashi Ryuunosuke as Lazy Prince Tsunashi Ryuunosuke  
Tsukumo Ryou as **The carefree Roomba Emperor**  
Musashi as Musashi

**Special thanks to everyone who actually read this far because honestly, I wouldn’t have**

**In loving memory of the fourth wall**

 

_After credit scene_

“Hey Ryuu?”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s adopt Musashi and raise him as our son.”

Ryuu almost crashes the spaceship.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> The word "Roomba" was used 90 times in this fic.
> 
> Leave a comment if you liked it and go read Ayumu's fic [Rooming With Roombas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15648225) because it's awesome.
> 
> If you want to scream at me about anything you can do so on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/eins__kai) or [tumblr](https://einskai.tumblr.com/)~
> 
> Have a nice day!
> 
> \- Kai


End file.
